Smiling in the Mirror: Teaching Our Daughters to Have a Healthy Body Image
If you have a daughter, you’ve probably noticed that most little girls do something very odd. They put on a princess dress with oversized high heel shoes (matching optional). Then they turn an everyday scarf into a boa and set a crown on top their (oftentimes un-brushed) hair. They cheerfully prance around not paying attention to much of anything until they find the mirror. Then, (here comes the odd part) they look in that mirror and smile with sheer delight. If it’s a large mirror they twist and turn catch every angle. If it’s small, they aren’t afraid to hold it right up to their little faces, delighting in what they see up close. They gaze at themselves for as long as they like and are quite pleased with who they see staring back at them. I noticed this phenomenon a few years ago, when I was trying to get my then three-year-old daughter to brush her teeth. She stood on a stool in front of the bathroom mirror smiling away, paying no regard to my request for dental hygiene focus. She wore a pair of hand-me-down pajamas, her hair unkempt, but she didn’t mind. Though slightly annoyed at her lack of focus (“It’s bedtime people!”), I couldn’t help but watch in amazement.
A few weeks later, this same smiley girl danced and twirled around in my bathroom while I got ready for an outing. She asked me about my make-up, stating and restating how she would have, “a lot of make-up when she got bigger.” She asked a zillion questions, as three year olds are prone to do. “What’s that thing eating your eye, Mommy?” (Note: the significance of eyelash curling is hard to explain to a preschooler.) But of all her questions, one really caught my attention. “Mommy, why do you always make a mad face when you get ready?” “What? Um, well, honey, that’s not a mad face. It’s just hard to have a happy face when you are putting on make-up . . .” I’m scrambling here.It’s true, right? Mascara mandates the “hooked-fish,” mouth, wide-open so your eyes will open wide too. Suck in those cheeks for blush application. Don’t get me started how my face contorts while I rub in foundation.
But, I wonder if her observation was about something much deeper. My expression betrayed me. I really wasn’t happy with the appearance of that woman frowning back at me. I taught her something that morning. I didn’t intend to teach it. In fact, it’s something I desperately hoped not to teach her. I showed my daughter that big girls don’t smile in the mirror: They scowl. According to a Glamour magazine poll, the average woman has 13 negative thoughts about her body every day. For most, that’s one every hour she’s awake.The associated article also cited a study of girls aged three to six where half of the girls in this age group were worried about being fat. I can’t even imagine how I would react if my four-year-old told me she thought she was fat. Then I remembered something important. Most of what she learns about being a woman will come from me. If I, like the cited majority of women out there, spend time thinking (and even saying aloud) negative things about my body and appearance, she will learn that as normal. If I grimace and sigh as I try-on “outfit- attempt-number-9” or grumble about the lines on my forehead that no miracle cream can successfully conquer, she’ll learn to do that too.It’s not easy for me to smile in the mirror, unless you count the post-tooth-brushing, teeth flashing “clean check.” I think the only time I see my own smile must be in pictures. But even then, I often frown, carefully scrutinizing the appearance of the woman I see.
But, after this revelation, I decided it was time to change. Granted, I’m not flashing myself a big, ol’ happy grin every time I’m in front of a mirror. Can you imagine the response from women in public restrooms? They may think I’m psychotic (or drunk)! No one does that, right?Yet, I decided that day that I never want my little girl to stop smiling in the mirror because of me.She’s ten now. She still smiles. Okay, now the smile comes after she’s spent fifteen minutes fixing her hair and picking out just the right necklace. I sense as she ages that she feels more pressure to look a certain way. But, she seems to have created a style that’s all her own. For now, she’s confident in that.I’m a realist. At some point she’s going to start comparing herself to other girls and ask the question that haunts every female, “Am I beautiful?” But, until then and when that does happen, I want to model for her the answer.I don’t believe you have to love yourself in order to have a healthy body image. Instead, body image freedom comes through self-forgetfulness.
For me, learning to love my cellulite and thick legs was a hurdle too high to ever cross. But, I’m grateful God showed me a way out of body image bondage that didn’t require me flipping the self-love switch.And that’s what I want to teach my daughter more than anything—that her value isn’t tied to her appearance. She’ll be tempted to believe otherwise. Our culture will make sure of that. Instead, I hope to show her what it looks like to derive worth from God alone. Then, on days when she feels bloated or less than (We all have those days!), she can remember that her confidence doesn’t come from how she looks.She can smile in that mirror because of an assurance in who she reflects, regardless of what she see’s in her reflection.
About Heather Creekmore: Heather Creekmore desires to see fewer Christian women struggle with their body image. As a speaker and author (Compared to Who? A Proven Path to Improve Your Body Image), Heather motivates women to stop comparing and start living by applying the truth of the Gospel (and avoiding stale clichés!). She’s a mom of four and wife to a Marine fighter pilot turned pastor. Connect with her at Comparedtowho.me.
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