I Feel Pretty, But I've Felt Ugly

Thanks to some prompting from a friend, I decided to go see Amy Schumer’s new movie, ‘I Feel Pretty,’ and dragged my husband with me to a showing on Sunday night that ended way past our bedtime. As someone who is recovered from an eating disorder and paving the way for others to find their own healing through my work at DC-based nonprofit Rock Recovery, I am often asked what I think about various films, articles, social media posts, and cultural norms surrounding food. While I joke I have no fancy letters after my name like many of my talented colleagues, I certainly have no shortage of opinions.

I also have a story of my own. Since May is Mental Health Month, it seemed appropriate take a few moments to reflect on how culture can play a role in our mental health and well-being. I was mildly entertained and appreciated the well-intentioned exploration of beauty ideals and self-esteem. Countless images from my own struggle with body image and identity popped into my head throughout the film, and I left feeling immense gratitude for the healing I’ve experienced in my own life. Generally, I couldn’t shake the feeling that the film was muddling up not just its own plot line, but the deeper issue at hand. We aren’t dealing with a confidence problem here.

We are dealing with a values problem. We don’t need to “make our own magic,” or succumb to any pithy saying you might find plastered on a coffee mug. We need to determine what it is we value, and ruthlessly spend each minute of our days fighting to embody those values. We often do an exercise at Rock Recovery’s body image workshops where we have attendees visualize their best friend and think of the first few words that pop into their heads about them. People often share descriptors like funny, supportive, kind, compassionate, loyal, non-judgmental and so on. Not one person has ever said, “They have great legs!” Or, “Their waist to hip ratio is just perfect.”These aren’t the things that attract us to others, so why are they the things we fixate on so often for ourselves? 

We are finding our worth in all of the wrong places. When I was going through treatment for my eating disorder, part of my recovery process was ignoring mirrors for a while. I couldn’t trust what I saw in them, or myself when I was around them. They had too much power to steer the direction of my day, which often derailed quite quickly depending on my mood. I learned to trust that some kind stranger would wipe the mascara off my cheek or the deodorant off of my dress. Throughout that process, I began to let go of my obsession with my appearance and need to look perfect. I also realized that it wasn’t my reflection that had such power over me: it was my self-image. There was a direct correlation between my bad days and my bad body image. When I experienced rejection or felt out of control, I would immediately turn on myself and berate my appearance. Day by day I started to shift my thoughts about myself and my worth, and slowly my self-image improved. 

The healing process took time, and it definitely wasn’t magical. But it was worth it. Now, almost 10 years into recovery I am amazed at the freedom and joy that I experience on a daily basis. As I reached for my dad’s hand and prepared to walk down the aisle on my wedding day last year, something struck me. One of the great lies I told myself for over a decade was that someone wouldn’t love me unless I looked a certain way or hit a certain number on the scale. There I was, far beyond that number I used to covet. Yet my heart had never been more full, and I had never felt more beautiful.