Stories of Healing: Katie Lane

Katie’s eating disorder started when she was just a freshman in high school. As her anxiety around food heightened, Katie hid herself from the family and friends who she needed more than anything. With the help of a therapist, Katie found Rock Recovery and her life was never the same. With the help of her peers and the Rock team, Katie let go of the secrets and shame that controlled her and decided she wanted to live.

My name is Katie, and I am 25 years old. My eating disorder started about 10 years ago when I was a freshman in high school.

I still don’t know what caused it. It may have been a way to manage emotions- I’ve always been emotional, or due to a combination of the ever-increasing competitive nature of the girls in my class. It could have been the never-ending messages from society to be more healthy, more beautiful, and skinnier. All I know is that by the middle of my freshman year, my life revolved around planning my food, searching for food, avoiding food, and hiding food. I was actively bulimic for about a year, and then restrictive and occasionally bulimic for 6-7 more years. I lost weight, became manipulative and secretive, developed horrible anxiety over food and pulled away from my family and friends. Though I loved my family, had multiple interests/hobbies and was very religious, my body and my mind were slaves to food.

I was overwhelmed by shame. Even as I saw my body deteriorate and had my family and friends constantly commenting about my weight and diet, I was afraid to tell anyone the truth. I went off to college and earned both my Bachelors and Doctorate degrees. I moved around the country for clinicals, making new friends, joining clubs, spending my summers traveling the country and other parts of the world- with my ED right beside me. I ate the same safe foods all the time, I skipped dinners with friends or starved myself for hours, stole food to eat in the bathroom, and hated myself more and more with every second that passed.

When I finished grad school. I moved to NOVA, without family or friends, to start my first job. During my first week here, I was sitting at the table studying for my licensing exam, when I had a sudden and overwhelming urge to finally look for help. I googled “Eating disorder recovery” and called the first clinic that popped up. I explained my situation (this would be my first exposure to recovery, I was a young professional with barely any money, etc) and I was referred to Diana, from Rock Recovery. I’ll never forget my call with Diana- when she was describing what happens at Rock, I found myself BEGGING God that I would be able to join. It seemed too good to be true.

Rock has changed my life. I don’t think I would still be alive without it. It was like I was drowning in shame, guilt, desperation, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, and loneliness, and Rock was God’s hand reaching down and pulling me out. The first few sessions of Rock, I would cry with overwhelming gratitude and disbelief the whole way home.

For a year and a half, I spent every Sunday night eating extremely terrifying meals and being exposed to my greatest fear foods (chicken wings, fries, chips, candy, Chinese food, any food with flavor really) and then working through the fear, anxiety, and countless other emotions with the support of a leader and a number of other girls who truly understood what I was going through. For the first time since my ED started, I felt hope.

Thanks to Rock, I can now go to a grocery store without having a panic attack, eat chocolate before 9 am, eat 2 granola bars/day, spend > 5 minutes in the kitchen, eat out or cook with friends and enjoy conversations over meals, try new foods, look at a buffet without crying, eat leftovers, split meals with people, eat something other than PB and J for lunch, survive a day without a banana, eat flavored Greek yogurt, eat dessert 2 days in a row, eat at the table in my apartment – the list goes on and on.

Through Rock. I have learned what a normal meal looks like, how to handle stress/anxiety about fear foods, examples of self-care, and strategies to cope during a low point. It was during my time in Rock that I felt the courage to tell different family members and friends about my ED; told an MD for the first time that I had an ED; was diagnosed and started taking medicine for my anxiety and depression; became motivated to challenge myself; started feeling calm and feeling happy; felt like I had energy and strength again; let go of all my secrets; strengthened my faith; learned to put people in front of food; and decided I don’t want to die.