Stories of Healing: Jesus

Jesus had always been a confident person, comfortable with his self-esteem and body image - so why was eating such a chore? Why did food make him feel bad? It wasn’t until he learned about ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder) that he realized he might have an eating disorder. With the help of Rock Recovery, he learned more about his struggles, and found ways to manage his anxiety surrounding eating.

Jesus, Program Graduate

Over the course of my life, I knew there was something strange about how I ate. I often said that I ate to live, not live to eat as a joke with my friends. The idea of having an eating disorder crossed my mind many times, but I would write my own concerns off as being unserious and simply just not worth unpacking. My understanding of eating disorders at the time was mainly through the lenses of body dysmorphia, which I didn’t suffer from. I thought, “Hey, I don’t care how I look or my weight, this mustn’t be anything serious.” I felt in control of my eating habits.

I think my eating disorder took off after I graduated from college in 2020. The list of foods I would want to eat was slowly diminishing and I was losing weight rapidly. I had become used to using other people as reminders to eat, but with COVID lockdowns, I was losing the motivation to have a structured eating schedule. As long as I was eating something eventually, I thought it was manageable. My friends and boyfriend would ask me if I was eating, and I would tell half-truths, or just say yes. 

I had begun my first year of teaching high school in 2020, and it was one of the most stressful moments of my life. Working with children meant my day was chaotic, loud, and unruly. My coping mechanism for the chaos in my life usually ended up restricting what I ate in some shape or form. There seemed to be little in my life that I could control during this time, and while I love what I do, it was taking a toll on my mind and body. I built these tiny little rules in my head about when, where, with who, and what to eat. The most common emotion I felt during meals was disgust, and I accepted that as normal for a long time. 

A key point in my journey with my eating disorder happened after I watched Heartstopper, a show about a queer teen boy with an eating disorder, that came out in the spring of 2022. I felt like I was watching a mirror into my own relationship with food, but I continued to ignore those feelings. I don’t really understand why in hindsight. I had never seen male depictions of eating disorders in any media, let alone queer men with eating disorders. I acknowledged that there was something wrong, but that was only something that I needed to verbalize with myself. Saying that aloud to anyone else frightened me because it made it feel more real.

I vividly remember the day I had Googled, “Why does eating feel like a chore?” during my lunch break at work in October of 2023. I had found articles of people sharing their experiences with ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder), which seemed to describe my general attitude towards food and eating. I hated how I constantly felt and I knew something had to change. Walking in the DC metro one day, I saw an ad for an eating disorder treatment center. While they were sadly out-of-network with my health insurance, I was sent a list of other recovery programs that were in-network, and Rock Recovery was at the top of the list. 

I anxiously waited for my first meeting with Rock Recovery in November. I had no idea what to expect, I was scared and unsure of how to voice my concerns with my friends and family, let alone a stranger. I was happy to hear that Rock Recovery took my insurance, and that they offered a payment plan option. They were extremely accommodating and put my care first, which I am eternally grateful for. I did not feel like my experience with food was truly understood until I spoke with Heather and Natasia at Rock Recovery. Their advice, understanding, and knowledge helped me manage the ever present anxiety surrounding eating.

While I don’t ever see myself being fully free from my disordered eating thoughts, I finally feel more like myself, and I know that I have the tools and skills to manage them now. The disordered thoughts and anxiety surrounding food became a murmur instead of a roar. I am very thankful for all the supporters and donors who give to support Rock Recovery. The work they do is life changing and has helped me become the best version of myself to this day.

If you relate to Jesus’s story and are looking to begin experiencing the same healing and freedom, we invite you to schedule a free consultation to learn more about our eating disorder therapy services today. You can click here to learn more.