Stories of Healing: Hillary
After almost 20 years of living struggling with her eating disorder, Hillary felt unhelpable. At the beginning of the pandemic, she discovered Rock Recovery’s programs and thanks to the sliding scale discounts, was able to work towards real and lasting recovery. Through Rock, she rediscovered her voice and her joy and gained a second chance at life. Now, she is able to enjoy more of life’s moments than she ever would have expected.
I was a junior in high school when my eating disorder was officially diagnosed, however, my disordered relationship with food began long before that. For as far back as I can remember, my thoughts surrounding food, and more importantly my myself, had been dominated by diet culture, absurd food rules, control, chaos, depression, and desperation. I lived in a paradox of constantly feeling unworthy and undeserving of taking up space, while also feeling like I never was, and never would be, enough.
Hillary sharing her testimony at Rock Recovery ninth annual benefit dinner event.
I began therapy and entered in-patient residential treatment during my senior year of high school, however, my insurance cut out once my weight had stabilized, and I was forced to leave inpatient treatment long before tackling the mental and emotional work necessary for long-term recovery. Over the next almost 20 years, I continued to struggle. Because of my eating disorder, I had to leave university early and return home before finishing my first semester. My disorder took over my capacity to nurture and maintain meaningful relationships, and I lost friends and significant others. Of the many ways in which my eating disorder profoundly impacted my life, the most significant included how it took away my voice, my agency, my sense of self, and my joy. For so long, I could not separate myself from my ED. I felt no passion, and very little purpose. I didn’t know who I was.
Over the years I sought individual and group-based outpatient therapy, and experienced periods where I abstained from behaviors, however, care was extremely costly, and true freedom from my eating disorder still evaded me. At one point, I truly felt “unhelpable”.
With the advent of the pandemic, I was furloughed from my work and quarantining at home. My eating disorder thoughts and behaviors escalated to where I knew that I needed help, but as a single mother, it was difficult to conceive of how I might possibly find and be able to afford the care and support that I so desperately needed.
I had heard of Rock Recovery from a previous therapist, and clutching to a strand of hope, I reached out to them. From the start, I found each person that I encountered through Rock to be amazingly warm, caring, knowledgeable, and supportive in helping me to navigate the treatment space. Rock matched me with an incredible therapist, and I enrolled in the Breaking Bread and Mom’s Coffee and Conversations groups, and participated in Rock’s wonderful mentor program. Without Rock’s sliding scale and outreach of services, I simply would not have been able to afford this level of comprehensive treatment that was so critical in helping me to work towards real and lasting recovery. Additionally, the ability to attend meetings virtually removed previous challenges that I had experienced in having to arrange for childcare for my son in order to attend and commute to and from therapy sessions.
Over the course of about a year and a half as I worked with my therapist and groups, I began for the first time to experience a real shift in my relationship with my eating disorder, and my relationship with myself. After nearly twenty years of feeling like I couldn’t exist without my disorder, I began viewing the role that it played in my life as a true oppressor, and something to actively fight against. I found supportive and lasting relationships through Rock, and realized how much I truly value and enjoy getting to know and spend time with others, as opposed to isolating with my ED. As Rock helped me to grow in my recovery, I rediscovered a passion for human rights advocacy and peacebuilding. I invested in friendships that grew stronger, applied to grad school and was accepted on a scholarship, advanced in my work, and most importantly, became a much better and more present mom. The smaller that my eating disorder got, the bigger my life became. I am now on course to graduate with a degree that I never thought I could have possibly achieved when consumed by my eating disorder. For the first time in forever, I feel like I know myself, and am comfortable and confident bringing my authentic self into any space that I enter. I can sincerely say that through the support of Rock, I have found and reclaimed my voice, my joy, and my life.
I recently found myself overcome with emotion when celebrating the wedding of a cousin. Just two years ago, I would have absolutely dreaded the occasion, and most likely would have not attended at all due to anxieties over food and my body. Instead, I found myself crying tears of joy and gratitude as I took in the occasion and embraced the opportunity to see and celebrate with friends and family, dance the night away, and enjoy a delicious dinner, cake included.
The work that Rock does in removing the persistent barriers that prevent so many struggling with disordered eating from accessing care is truly lifesaving and life-affirming, and I am grateful every day for the gift of life and freedom that Rock has given me. From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank Christie and all of the amazing people at Rock for everything that they do, along with the donors who aid in making this work and recovery possible.