Get Outside of Yourself: Finding Ways to Cope with Suffering
We are in a strange, unpredictable season of life where many people are walking through stages of grief and suffering. From my experience in counseling of walking through seasons of grief and suffering with my clients, I’ve learned that in these seasons it is easy to get stuck in the narrow focus of your own pain. I love the metaphor of looking at your own hand from a distance and it being only a small part of your vision, but if you bring your hand an inch from your face it’s all you can see. This is exactly what can happen with personal suffering.
In seasons of suffering or pain it is so important that we do everything we can to best care for ourselves and reach out for support where it is needed. However, sitting in the grief can often lead to day after day of feeling consumed with the sole focus of surviving your own pain. In these times, one thing that can help is to “get outside of yourself”.
In the first week that I was quarantined I was wrestling with the grief of cancelled trips, events, and family gatherings and was just plain angry and bitter about it. Later that week, I was chatting with a friend who expressed concern for friends who she knew would be having a specifically hard time with the lack of social contact. In this conversation, I was slapped over the head with how self-focused my thoughts had been that week. Of course I wasn’t the only one having a hard time! Immediately, I decided to make a plan to turn things around for myself, and you know what? It was simple, but it worked.
My plan consisted of one thing: Get Outside of Myseld
What does it mean to get outside of yourself? It means to do something kind for another human being, to perform an act of service for someone, to send someone a message to let them know you’re thinking of them. This does not mean that someone else’s suffering takes the place of our own, but that we can have empathy for ourselves WHILE having empathy for others as well, and this may even help us grow in empathy for ourselves in the process. Getting outside of yourself doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. It can be the smallest act of simply asking how someone else is doing and genuinely caring about the response.
I used to lead an eating disorder recovery group focused on the 12-step process for addiction. While leading this group I learned that the 12th step of Alcoholics Anonymous is about using your gifts and knowledge from the 12-step process to help others. I began to implement this with the clients I was working with by helping them identify the gifts and talents they possessed and could use to serve others.
Two questions I asked were:
What are some unique character traits, passions, gifts, talents, or resources you have?
How could you use these in a way that would help or serve others?
Helping others is an important part of the recovery process, as it not only assists a person in getting outside of their own narrow focus of their own suffering, but it actually helps to build confidence, find purpose, and feel genuine happiness.
“Helping others builds one’s self-esteem and confidence knowing they are making a positive contribution in their community. This focus on serving others also helps reduce feelings of selfishness and helps people find true happiness.”
- Dream Center for Recovery (on the 12th Step)
This season of quarantine meant that to “get outside myself” I had to get creative. I decided to challenge myself to write at least 2-3 letters of encouragement to family and friends per week. I also decided that I would text at least one different person per day a short message asking them how they were doing and how I could be praying for them.
Do you know what I found? I could be having a bad day, but doing the simple act of writing a letter or sending a text significantly helped the day improve. This did not take the place of caring for myself and recognizing my own needs, but it did help put my own suffering in perspective. When I heard about a friend’s struggle, or when I celebrated with a friend who had a good day, it helped move my hand a bit further away from my face to make room for something else in my field of vision.
A couple weeks ago, my pastor shared with his congregation that the question humans tend to ask is “What am I suffering?” when we really should be asking “How am I suffering?”. The attitude we have in the midst of suffering can make all the difference in how we suffer and survive a season of suffering.
So to conclude, during this season that consists of suffering for so many people, please take care of yourselves. However, also consider how caring for another person can actually be a great way to care for yourself as well.
Kate Jarvi, MA is trained in providing DBT, CBT, ACT, RODBT, intuitive eating principles, and body acceptance skills which she implements regularly in her practice. She is experienced in building trust and rapport with clients and has a passion for providing faith-based counseling to individuals who desire this element in their healing journeys. In her free time, Kate enjoys traveling, cooking, hiking, being outdoors, reading, and singing on the worship team and serving in other ways at her church.