I Called Out A Friend for Food Shaming & It Strengthened Our Friendship
This guest post was written by former Rock Recovery Resident in Counseling Callie Dyer.
Earlier this week, I hopped on a FaceTime call with a few of my friends (hello, social distancing). I had been looking forward to sitting down and enjoying my dinner while on the call until one of my friends started making jokes about what I had chosen to eat. It was playful and not meant to be malicious, but it stuck with me after the call.
Having worked in the eating disorder recovery world for several years, I’ve become a staunch supporter of an All Foods Fit model. (see below for more info on this model.) I try my best to listen to my body’s desires/needs and to honor them without judgment. At the same time, I’m continually working on having authentic relationships and healthy boundaries. After mulling over how to best address this interaction, I decided to go straight to the source. Here’s a general outline of what I said:
“Hey, I consider you to be a close friend and so I’d like to be transparent with you about something that bothered me on the call earlier. Is that okay with you?”
After she said yes, I continued, “I was really excited for my dinner tonight and your jokes, while not meant to be hurtful, made me feel judged and had me second-guessing my own choices about what to put into my body. This is scary to bring up because I do not want to offend or guilt you, but wanted to provide some insight on how small comments about food can be hugely impactful – either positively or negatively. I hope you can understand why I wanted to bring this up.”
After saying my piece, I sat anxiously wondering how this feedback would be received. Then something wonderful happened… My friend was enormously gracious in her response. She owned up to her comments, apologized, and even thanked me for being direct. Now, I realize that not everyone will respond to boundaries well. In fact, I’ve had similar situations end very differently. I’ve had people roll their eyes, be dismissive, and continue in their old ways. However, no matter the outcome, I always feel better after finding the courage to be vulnerable in these moments.
I find it useful when entering these conversations to use the general guidelines below to keep the conversation on-track:
Can I share what bothered me with you?
When you said ____________________, I felt _____________________.
Would you consider respecting this boundary request _________________ in the future?
Thank you so much for listening!
Diet culture can’t shift if we don’t learn to lean into the discomfort of these conversations. Are there ways you can lovingly call on your friends to adjust the ways they speak about food, bodies, or weight? It might seem vulnerable, scary, or rude to call out ideas which aren’t often challenged, but it’s how we can all begin to learn and grow alongside one another. You never know, someone you bring this up with might need the conversation as much as you do!
If you’re not familiar with the concept of “diet culture,” Christy Harrison, RD, has a great definition which is, “Diet culture is a system of beliefs that: Worships thinness and equates it to health and moral virtue, which means you can spend your whole life thinking you’re irreparably broken just because you don’t look like the impossibly thin “ideal.” Read more here.
Read more about All Foods Fit here.