Five Years of Freedom

The 4th of July is a wonderful time to spend time with friends and family enjoying the weather and each other’s company. It is a day of fun, but also a day of freedom. For many this freedom can be found in the American flag or the fireworks. But freedom can mean different things to different people. 

On this Independence Day, I can’t help but think of how far I’ve come in reclaiming my own freedom. 

Five years back I was battling anorexia nervosa. I found myself caged into a pattern of restrictive eating and negative body image. Five years ago I was not free to finish my meals or walk in my room without body-checking myself in my mirror and tearing apart a body that I have now learned to love. Five years ago I was confined to live by the rules of my eating disorder. My identity had been confined to how I looked rather than who I was. I was not free. I was not independent. 

I was trapped.

But I wanted freedom. I wanted to live with food rather than in fear of food. I wanted to look into the mirror without feeling failure or disapproval. I wanted to feel good in my own skin. With lots of help, dedication, and support, I made my way towards freedom. Through the support of a clinical team and my family, I learned to work with my body and found both a stable weight and a stable mindset. I started eating breakfast and finishing meals. I even rediscovered my love of eating ice cream after dinner. I found kinder words for my reflection in the mirror.

Now, not only am I free from my eating disorder; I am now free to look into the mirror and see not just a body, but a person. 

Through recovery, I was able to treat myself, body and spirit, with the respect I deserved. I am not a project, I am a person. There are parts of me that are not perfect and there are parts of me that change, but I can accept myself where I am as I am. Having the freedom to cut myself some slack and strive towards happiness rather than perfection allowed me to breathe and feel whole.

I know that there were some days that freedom felt too far away. I remember the times that finishing the food on my plate felt impossible. I remember the times when I was not sure I would ever regain my hunger and fullness cues. In those moments, the frustration and pain weighed me down and the fight for freedom felt too exhausting to take on. I will never forget those days. But those days did not win. I overcame those days and I found freedom. 

Now THAT is something worth celebrating.

About the Author: Maya Ewart is a summer volunteer with Rock Recovery and a rising third year at the University of Virginia.

Visit www.rockrecoveryed.org/programs today to start your journey toward freedom and recovery.

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