Why I'm Entering a Beauty Pageant to Push the Boundaries of My Confidence

My name is Gabby and I am a twenty-two-year-old college graduate, and I struggled with disordered eating for about eight years and with body dysmorphia for 10. I spent four of those years in several different states of recovery before finding healing through Rock Recovery and its programs.

To me, recovery doesn’t mean I am perfect. Instead, it means that my behaviors have diminished to next to nothing, intrusive disordered thoughts have either been silenced or can be rationalized, and that most days I live free from my disordered thoughts. Being recovered has opened my eyes to the many behaviors and practices in people’s lives that can often contribute to generations of eating disorders, poor body image, and poor self-worth. One of the biggest contributors to my eating disorder was the media. It made it so easy to compare myself and my body to the people around me. When this paired with my perfectionism, I began to fall into the toxic trap that many of us call “Ed” or an eating disorder.

Many of us have heard of the Miss Universe pageant, or the NBC-hosted annual beauty pageant that picks one woman to represent the world. She is chosen for her beauty, intelligence, and charitable contributions. I grew up watching these shows on television and comparing myself to the women walking up and down the runway, wishing that I looked the way they did. I am sure I am not alone in this. Comparing myself to the people around me is something I still struggle with.

To me, recovery doesn’t mean I am perfect.

Knowing all this about my history with food and body image, many people, including those who currently struggle, therapists, dietitians, and loved ones consequently might wonder why I decided to enter Miss Maryland USA, a pageant where I would be compared by judges and viewed by a live audience when I’ve never competed in a pageant before and am finally feeling good in my skin again. On the days when I am struggling I ask myself the same thing, but let me explain.

Recovery is about taking little steps each day to reach that ultimate goal of freedom. So, here are my five main goals for this pageant:

1. I want to get comfortable being uncomfortable. This was one tip one of my therapists gave me when I was “re-feeding” and my clothes were fitting differently. I would spend most of my time in my sweatpants and avoided clothes that were more fitted. This pageant will be another case of that – getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. I will be putting myself out there in a swimsuit for one portion of this competition, and my body will be perfect for me. Will I be uncomfortable? Probably. Will I be ok? Yes.

2. I want to build new friendships. One of the most difficult things for me as a young woman recovering from an eating disorder is the trouble it gave me making friends. I had a hard time being friends with girls because I would compare my body, my eating habits, my movement, to theirs. This ruined many of my friendships in high school, prevented me from making new ones in college, and complicated my relationship with loved ones. My goal at this event is to make new friends, without comparing myself to them and even more importantly, encourage them and their success in the pageant.

3. I want to have fun. Since I began my recovery, the smallest triggers would send me into a spiral and turn what should be a fun day into a nightmare. I want to prove to myself that I can do something overwhelming and stressful but still enjoy it and cope with my feelings in a healthy way.

4. I want to learn how to lose well. I’ve never been great at losing. As a kid, I was the one that would try to cheat in Monopoly or quit before I lost. But I have decided that I am approaching this event a bit differently. The point of competing is personal growth and while the win would be fantastic, it would be the mere “cherry on top.”

5. I want to share my story and my message. This is the most important goal for me. I want young people to know that a smaller body will never be worth the suffering an eating disorder brings. I want people to know that recovery is possible if you are struggling with an eating disorder. I want people to know that eating disorders are not a one-size-fits-all sickness. They look different on everybody. I want to help parents and teachers to have access to resources to help the young people in their lives. I want teens and young adults to have access to the resources to help themselves. I want to create an open dialogue so that people aren’t afraid to speak up when they need help.

I want young people to know that a smaller body will never be worth the suffering an eating disorder brings.

With all these goals in mind, I want to reiterate that I still struggle with doubt and feeling worthy. As a pageant newcomer, I have struggled to believe that I deserve to compete. But fighting those thoughts and getting through those moments, learning to cope in a healthy way, all strengthen me and my recovery. It’s comparable to the days at my Rock Recovery where I was reintroducing a fear food and, once I conquered it, I was stronger because I had won a battle.

At my pageant interview, one of the judges asked me why I wanted to participate in this pageant after all I had been through. I told him I wanted to push the boundaries of my confidence. When he asked me what that meant, I told him that it is easy for me now to be confident in myself when I am at home in sweats around the people who love me inside and out, regardless of what I look like. But this pageant is putting me in a whole new realm, being confident in myself and my body while feeling exposed, standing next to so many other beautiful women, while posing on a stage for a room full of strangers. THAT is pushing the boundaries of my confidence.

Whether I win or lose, I am not going to stop spreading my message. I am not going to stop lifting people up and encouraging people to love themselves. And after this pageant, I will find another platform to spread the good news: that we don't have to change ourselves to be worthy, loved, and beautiful.

Gabby is a former Rock client and now a law student at Catholic University. She is 22 years old and enjoys repurposing her clothes, hiking, baking, playing rugby, and trying new things. She loves spreading awareness about eating disorders on her Instagram and hopes that by sharing her own experiences and resources to find help others may be able to achieve body freedom too. Read her full story of healing here.