The Wilderness of Recovery

“You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.” – E.L. Doctorow

As a recovered eating disorder therapist, I am very passionate about the belief that full recovery from an eating disorder is possible. And I am also very aware that it rarely (if ever) feels that way in the middle of the recovery process.

I started my eating disorder recovery over 10 years ago, and there were many ups and downs between the realization that I had an eating disorder that I wanted to do something about, and the full freedom that I experienced a few years later. I began to notice a theme in the timing of my (re)lapses: my eating disorder reemerged in different forms at each jolting shift of life, each time the future seemed bleak or unsafe or different from what I had planned.

During one of my lapses, I recall reading the Exodus story of the Israelites. After being saved miraculously out of slavery in Egypt, the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years before inhabiting the Promised Land. The wilderness was scary and unknown, and each time they came upon a problem (not enough food, not enough water, etc.), their solution was “let’s go back to Egypt, at least there we had enough _____.” I remember poignantly resonating with this logic – “if everything’s going to be uncertain, I might as well go back to my eating disorder. At least there I’ll look the way I want.” For the Israelites, slavery often felt more comfortable than wandering; for many who struggle, the eating disorder can feel safer than the recovery process. But slavery and wilderness of recovery are not the only two options – the goal is the Promised Land.

Perhaps you are in the wilderness of your recovery right now. If so, I would love to offer some considerations for the process:

Don’t give up hope for full recovery. Even though you may be in the middle of things, don’t lose sight of where you are headed. Seek out stories of others who have fully recovered. Envision the life you want outside of the eating disorder. Borrow hope from friends, family, therapists, etc. when you cannot muster it up by yourself.

Be gentle with yourself in relapses. It is normal to want to go back to the eating disorder when things are hard in the recovery process. There may be times when recovery doesn’t feel worth it. No one does this “perfectly,” so have grace for yourself in the ups and downs.

Receive God’s provision for today. There is something so beautiful about God’s instructions to the Israelites regarding manna in Exodus 16. They did not have any food, and therefore wanted to return to Egypt where there was plenty. In response, God miraculously provided them with manna – food from heaven. They were instructed to take only what they needed for that day each day, and trust that tomorrow they would again be provided with the necessary sustenance.

God wants to meet us right in the messy here-and-now in the wilderness of recovery and asks us to trust that each day He will provide what we need to keep moving toward the Promised Land.

Elise Thibodeaux (MA, LPC, CEDS-S) first joined the Rock Recovery team in 2013 as a volunteer group therapist, and served in various capacities until moving to Los Angeles in 2016. After a long hiatus from the team, she rejoined in 2020 as Rock Recovery’s first California therapist and served until 2022. A recovered clinician, Elise is driven by a passion for freedom and an unrelenting hope for those who suffer.