The Other F Word: Responding to Loved One's Body Changes in Eating Disorder Recovery

Written by Meredith Riddick, Rock Recovery Program Director

“You look so healthy now!”

“Wow I hardly recognize you!”

“You look amazing, how did you lose all that weight?”

“You’re so thin, what’s your secret?”

On the outside looking in, it may seem like these very well intended comments are supportive, neutral or positive.  But to an individual with an eating disorder, comments related to their weight or shape are often problematic and overall unsupportive, perhaps even triggering.

“Fat”

In some aspects of the eating disorder and Health at Every Size community, the word “fat” is simply used as a descriptor, the way we would describe someone as tall or perhaps brunette.  It is meant to take out any negative connotation of the word, which historically could be ugly, lazy or unsuccessful.  While Rock Recovery absolutely supports eliminating weight stigma, we want our readers to know we are using the word “fat” here in the way someone with an eating disorder may perceive it.

Fat is another “F” word to someone with an eating disorder.  Perhaps that individual was bullied for being at a higher weight or maybe they are avoiding becoming fat at all costs because of social stigma like the risk of not being accepted or liked. 

So when an individual with anorexia nervosa seeks treatment for their eating disorder (often going through weight restoration to get to a more usual weight for their bodies), well meaning friends and family will often say how “healthy” that individual looks now.  And in the way someone without an eating disorders uses the word healthy, the individual probably does!  But in eating disorder recovery, especially someone brand new to it, healthy can equate to fat and all of a sudden they hear a seemingly supportive statement as “whoa, you gained a lot of weight and look really fat now.”

Or here’s another scenario.  An individual who struggles with an eating disorder involving binge eating or binge eating and purging (such as self induced vomiting or taking laxatives) may experience a decrease in weight as they normalize their relationship with food and perhaps exercise.  Certain eating disorder behaviors can cause significant fluctuations in body weight, so these individuals may experience a return to baseline in the set point weight for their bodies.  So then well-meaning family and friends may say a comment on the weight loss intending to send a positive message.  But guess what that individual often hears?  “You were too big to begin with, so thank goodness you’ve lost weight now.”

So how can I help?

In treatment, including here at Rock Recovery, we do work with clients on how to avoid using behaviors again after feeling triggered from well meaning statements and we do also address the opportunity to give grace and extend the benefit of the doubt for family members and friends who are trying to be supportive.  That being said, this takes time to work through, so we want to offer friends and family more neutral statements to express support of a loved one’s eating disorder recovery!

Consider commenting on physical appearance other than weight or shape!  Things like, “Your eyes look so bright now, you just look so happy right now and I love seeing that!”  Or “I love the new colors that you are wearing, they really enhance your eye/hair color.” 

Or better yet, express your support for what your loved one has gone through by not commenting on physical appearance at all and instead focusing on internal qualities.  “I love hearing your laughter again!”  “Thank you for joining us for dinner and a movie, we know it’s not easy and we are grateful for your hard work so we can enjoy your company.”  “I’ve missed your energy and am so excited you are feeling up to hanging out this weekend, we’re going to have so much fun!”

Your loved one’s body may continue to change throughout the recovery process and of course all of our bodies change throughout our lifetime with the aging process, etc.  More than anything, your loved one needs to know you care about, support and accept who they are.  If you ever feel stuck on how you can best express this, just let them know you’re thinking of them, miss them, support them, care about them and love them for who they are.  And say that over and over and over.  And if your loved one expresses anxiety about how their body looks, instead of saying anything negative or even trying to reassure them that “you look just fine, honey,” just remind them they are loved and accepted just as they are, no matter what.