As a Mom, I Was Aiming at Impossible – Are You?
I will never forget the night it really hit me that my influence over my kids’ body image has its limits. I was struggling to fall asleep, tossing and turning with anxiety about my baby girl. It felt so different from my first (a boy) and the weight of the pressure I felt was immense.
I wanted so deeply to be able to protect and prevent her from warring with her body. I wanted so deeply for her to grow up loving and enjoying her body, and eating with pleasure, freedom, and flexibility. I wanted to spare her the suffering that I and so many others have gone through in our relationships with food and our bodies. And it felt like I ought to be able to build our home and family in such a way that that was possible. But how? I was already feeling discouraged about my ability to live up to these expectations of mine.
I was crying and sharing these thoughts with my husband, and he responded with so much gentleness and clarity:
She is going to have to form her own relationship with her body.
Even if I could do everything “perfectly” – if there was such a thing as parenting perfectly – she would still have to forge her own connection with her body.
I could do and say all the right things. The best things. I could set the most inspiring example of a loving relationship with my own body, and by extension, with food. I could fiercely guard our home against the faintest whiff of diet culture and body shame.
And even still, she will have her own body story.
What I had been expecting of myself was not even possible. Yes, I can influence her. I can give her a solid foundation. But I can’t prevent or control. It seems so simple and obvious now, but this was truly a new realization for me at the time. I had been aiming at impossible. No wonder the pressure felt overwhelming!
Maybe this is a new perspective for you, too?
If so, it’s okay if this makes you feel sad. Maybe you’ll grieve for the discomfort and pain you wish you could shield your kiddos from. I know I did. And that’s ok. Those feelings make sense.
And.
I hope you will also find in this a release of some of the pressure you’ve felt to do everything just right. Of course, none of us are perfect. But even if you could be, your kids are still whole little people, with their own thoughts, feelings, opinions, experiences, and relationships with their bodies and food. I hope you can use this moment to adjust what you’re aiming for in your parenting. Instead of aiming for prevention and control, I’m aiming for cultivating a safe, affirming home base for my kids to always come back to. What will you aim for?
And I hope this allows you to get out of the pressure cooker of perfectionism and control.
If you need someone to sort through this with, or maybe you need support for your own eating and body issues, Rock Recovery is here, and we get it. We offer both group and individual therapy for adolescents and adults in VA, MD, and DC, as well as faith-based support groups nationwide to help you find freedom from disordered eating and body image issues. Don’t hesitate to reach out to us.
Heather Clark, MA, LCPC is a licensed counselor, focusing on disordered eating, including binge eating disorder, bulimia, anorexia, body dissatisfaction, chronic dieting, intuitive eating, and orthorexia. She joined the Rock Recovery team as full time Clinical Director in 2022. She also enjoys counseling those dealing with anxiety, self-worth, shame, self-compassion, and Christian spirituality/spiritual trauma. Heather is passionate about the Health At Every Size(R) philosophy and approach to work (and to life!). Heather earned her B.A. in Mass Communications in 2007, and her M.A. in Professional Counseling in 2015.